Somethings wrong.

God damnit. Not this again. Why this again? Why not someone new? Someone else? Why do I have to go back? Why do I wanna cry? Why can't I just let it go! It's been a fucking year! A god damned year. I'm done, I thought I was, I fucking should be. And I'm sooo not. And it feels like I can't breathe. Half literally half in general, a ton of fucking bricks has just crash landed on my ribs and it blows!
I HATE THIS.

If you

If you happen to be looking at this still and reading it, than I think you're a jerk and rude and a lop and have no idea why I'm attracted to you when you frustrate me!!!!
You do things to piss me off and I love it.
Rude.

And yes this is third grade!
I hope you...idk. fall or something.
but not really.

Destination: Nowhere Near

The only place I feel comfortable now is on the road. Driving somewhere or nowhere. Anywhere. I just want to keep driving till I can't think straight, so when I close my eyes all I see is a winding, black paved, yellow streaked road that curves off into some horizon. I want to drive so far and for so long that I have to go through my whole iPod 3 times and then some. I want to speed, make illegal U-turns and have some one with me so I can play yellow car and punch the shit out of them. I want to drive with someone/people to play SEX and the door game and to try to pull off a Chinese Fire Drill with. I want to have no destination in the short term and decide on one in the long run, like Montauk, NY.

I want to drive for so long that it makes me the most car-sick I'll ever be and then hopefully be cured of it.



I'm begging you to be my escape.

don't decide to play a prank on someone

then feel terrible afterwards.
you knew it was mean when you wanted to do it.

I'm a drama queen

no i'm not just noticing it. but still i thought i'd state the obvious to help myself accept it a little more.


I think I should have wrote that I'm over one. And stuck on another that I can't have. It was put in to perspective for me. Most of the guys in my life, I got, and sometimes by dishonorable means. I owe them sincere apologies and hope they only have the best in life. And now, there's one I can't have. There's no possible way, and it just is so intriguing to me. Being the chaser instead of the chasee. I don't know how to be a chaser. I never thought I was actually following what my family said when they told me "Don't you ever chase after a boy, the boy chases after you."

Well guess what I'm doing.
Well, not really doing, but thinking about constantly.
My imagination needs to calm down. I'm going to go back to watching every movie with Robert Downey Jr. in it that I can find. He's extremely talented. And handsome, and an awesome IRONMAN. Whatever the opposite of pedophilia is, I'm guilty of it.


I really hate loss. But I am learning a lot about myself right now. About what I believe in, and who I need to have in my life. I can live without the grief, I don't need it nor do I deserve it, from this person anyway.
I'm going to skype a friend today. I'm really excited. More than I should be.
I need to get used to loss.

New.

This summer is full of things new.
New adventures, new people, and new experiences.
Old too, reconnection with old people to create new experiences.

Today was...pretty awesome. 3 or 4 years of bitterness and not a word, and then a few hours of pleasant conversation and even mischief. Not completely sure what to think about it. Was definitely lots of fun.

You're more mature, you're older, you've changed for the better I think. I still am not sure how I can be around you, but I'm not sweating it. I'm all for being laid back and not thinking too much into things. It's a better way to live life. This is gonna be soooo strange but fun haha. Hope we can be friends. I don't think we ever had a friendship before during or after everything that happened.

I'm interested in how this summer's gonna be.

You again.

I'm writing about you. What the hell? What is your deal? Why do you constantly push me away? You find the smallest thing, and blow up on me because of it. And BAM suddenly nothing matters, and I'm the source of you and your lame friends entertainment. I've been nothing but patient, loving (with some tough love), and nice to you. You're one of..or WERE one of (depending on you at this point) my best friends. There was not a second where I wasn't grateful to have you in my life again. You fucking blow it, every time, and it's never your fault. It's always my fucking fault. I've put up with so much bullshit! So much! And I never leave for good. EVER. At this point I wish I fucking could. And yet I still CAN'T. So please. Spare me the constant name calling. Telling me I'm a whore, and calling me one doesn't MAKE me one.
I fucking care about you. And I put myself out there, make myself vulnerable around you, to you, try and try and try. And this always fucking happens. What is your issue? WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR ME.
I love you and I'm almost starting to hate you for it.

Just stop it. Please just stop.
You are not my superior, and you never will be.

I'm tired of always being here for you and I wish I knew how to fucking stop.
Grow up please. I mean it with all the love I have left to give you in my heart.






This is why I have no faith in relationships.
Now, I am all about me.
I'm done worrying about you, consciously at least.
Fuck.
So fed up.

A friend of mine.

"over the past couple days i have been thinking about a girl who is getting an abortion. i dont know her, i dont know her situation but a few things stood out to me. . . she was having an abortion because "she" wasnt ready, because it was the best decision for "her" and "she" wanted to finish school and prosper in "her" life. is it me or have people become selfish and self-absorbed more and more every day? Honestly, i dont get it. There are instances when i completely understand.. you were raped and not wanting to keep the baby. fine, agreed, and totally understandable. BUT when you put yourself in the position in which you KNOW that you can get pregnant, "ruin your life", and make the biggest "mistake" in your life, is it not your responsibility to live with the consequences, if and when it happens? or does having the option to kill, yes kill, an innocent life of whom had none of the decision making in the matter because YOU can't live up to what you have done? is it not the most selfish thing you can do? There are so many options, keeping the baby, putting the baby up for adoption, or having an open adoption. there are so many options out there besides killing a child FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE. in life i have come to know plenty of courageous women, who have had unplanned pregnancies and have manned up in life and faced their consequences, not knowing what the outcome would have been. and guess what? they are JUST FINE to this day. granted their life may have not turned out the way they wanted it to turn out, but i can gaurantee that their child is their living pride of joy.hmm.. just a thought."


A friend of mine wrote this as a Facebook note. Although we aren't super close friends, I still consider her one. She now lives in Colorado with her high school sweetheart (now husband). He is off at war, and she is at home, pregnant. I love her to death for all her crazy life choices. 1. Getting married so young, 2.Being pregnant so young, 3. Moving to Colorado so young. Not once did I ever decide that I was better than her, that she was making the wrong choices. If that's what was right for her than so be it. But this? This I can't just stand by and not respond too. Now that she's pregnant she thinks she can walk around with this macho-mom attitude.

WRONG. You are only human, the difference between you and this girl who is deciding on an abortion is that you decided to keep it. Maybe you will have a better environment to raise your baby in. Oh but first off there's the fact that the baby's dad won't be there, second there'll be the fact that you don't have a job, and it'll be more difficult to get one while you're pregnant, and also while you have a child that needs constant care.

So that leaves your baby with Daddy-issues, and not so decent lifestyle with the shortage of money, and maybe mommy-issues once it's old enough for you to leave for a job all the time.


And you're gonna judge this girl? This girl who you claim is so selfish? You think you're being some hero by putting her down? By calling her selfish? At least when she does have a child, chances are she'll be more prepared and her baby will have a better life than yours.


Don't get me wrong I am so excited for you to have your child, I cannot wait because the one thing I want is a baby. However in my opinion you're stupid to have started so early. You gave up not only a huge portion of your life, but also the time to set up a better life for your baby.

And having a baby isn't "manning up." Such a masculine term shouldn't be associated with pregnancy. I don't know statistics or anything, but from what I know more often than not the man bails once a baby's involved. Is that what you consider "manning up?"


Why do I care so much? Why do YOU care so much? Why does this girls life matter to you. Be concerned with YOUR baby. Not hers. Be concerned with YOUR LIFE CHOICES


NOT.
HERS.

And I care because I know exactly what the girl is going through. People make mistakes, and we don't have to "deal with the consequences" by keeping it. Making the choice to keep it or not is enough consequence to deal with in itself. You think I'm happy about my choice? No if I could do it over again I'd probably do it differently.
And you know why I did it the way I did? Because I was thinking about the BABY not about me. What kind of life would I have to offer it? Especially when the only sex talk I had ever gotten was from my father and it went like this "You think you've seen me angry, come home pregnant and STAND BY."
That sure sounds like a household I wanna come back to.

So go enjoy your pregnancy and leave this girl out of it. She's making her own life choices you focus on yours.

Know that I love you.
But you need to realize how ignorant you are.

disbelief

I don't believe in relationships right now. Not to say I'm blowing them off, I just don't have faith in them at the moment. I don't think they're necessary in my life right now. However I do need to slow down. I'm moving to fast, I'm nothing but a blur of days and nights and booze and people. Colors swirling by with no material form.
I also discovered something about myself last night. Something that I won't forget, that I know happened. Something I won't let my mind tell me I'm making up. Something I won't let my mind lock away from me ever again. I never thought I was one to have suppressed memories but I found one, and now I wonder why I can never remember things about when I was little. Why won't my mind let me access that?





Funny picture:









I think an old...'friend' to put it lightly, might be back. I'd love to hear what he or she has to say about my life now. I'd enjoy a good conversation with my anonymous friend. They were a bit stupid...hopefully they're better conversation now a days.
And so the infamous Anonymous returns.

In addition to my last post.

Life also is being an asshole. It's giving me weird little signs that a few months ago I would have taken as hope. A phone call, and songs popping up implying something that I'm positive isn't there. Considering that he is currently taken. And who know's how long it'll be before he's not if even.
Suck it life I'm happy leave me be for a little longer.

Relief

I found a spot in Claremont that feels right. Where I can go to get away from life and everything that it entails. There isn't something immediately wrong in my life right now, it's pretty good I would say. But I can feel something coming, we all can. It's this unsettling empty feeling in my stomach, like somethings coming and this is a calm before the storm. But this place. It's beautiful. I'm surprised I didn't find it sooner, and it's way better than the top of Esporanza, I'm glad my other half showed it to me. It's the closest I've got to the HSU pond. I can be absent of thought, emotion, and time there. Even if a few cars drive by or one stops to share the view, I still feel isolated. I can have time to myself, for myself. It was nice. There drive up there is awesome, fast and curvy I loved it. (Well fast is up to you but still)
I'm glad I know of it. I want to go there at night again, like the first time I saw it. The stars are breathtaking, and during the day so is the view. Thank You Claremont for having hidden treasures for me to discover, it's really a life saver in my anxious time.




Besides this. I'm strangely content with my current relationship status. I'm single, and I have been for the longest since I can remember. It's nice, rather than lonely. I see these relationships around me and some are going well but most are just having trouble. I don't dislike being single for the first time in a while. I have no one to over lap my relationships with, no one to even flirt with on a relationship level. Which is not completely true cause there are people who would like to do so, but I chose not to acknowledge that. Me and my other half have switched places it seems. She has too many, but she's enjoying it. I have none and I'm enjoying it. Sure if I meet someone along the way and the chemistry is there, I'd love to explore it and see where it takes me. Sure if the guy I do have in the back of my mind at all times decides to acknowledge that more than he has I'd love to explore it with each chance we got. But if it doesn't happen I still have his friendship. I just wish he would was easier to read. I don't know how to put up a wall against him, he reads me too well. I don't think he's aware of how well he can hear me. I doubt he gives me a second thought. But I know he's my friend and he considers me one and I am happy with that.
Well, life, let's see how long this lasts. You almost tricked me today, but I'm a bit smarter now, I know that may never happen and I'm completely ok with that.

I am happy.

Epiphany

I can feel the connections between people. I can feel my connections to my friends, what each one of them does for me, and how I affect each of them. I can see what guides me what helps me through my times of need. I don't know who or what it is, but I can feel it. I know it's there. It watches and it keeps me sane. I can feel when my loved ones are unhappy, hurting, or are about to be hurt. I can feel when they need help, or need me. I believe this because I so strongly feel it. Call me full of shit but I honestly believe in this flow of energy and emotion. In this strange pull that happens all around me.

I want to explore this connection and this consciousness of a part of me and those around me. I want to examine it and take it and run with it. Not for BAD, but just out of pure curiosity. I wanna use it to understand people better, know them better and feel them better. (Don't say it) I'm talking spiritually.

My head hurts.
Mind fuck.
This is so much to take in but it's all so amazing!


The one connection I became aware, if not more aware of first was with my friend Heather. Because that's when I realized it. I realized how much she is my other half in so many ways. I was so in sync with her emotions she practically gave me an asthma attack. She started stressing and so in turn my heartbeat accelerated, and my breathing became quick and haggard and I knew exactly what she was feeling. Completely.

Then there was Gabie and Corrina. With the help of Corrina, I realized how right us being friends was. I knew both of them before they knew each other. And the one day Gabie didn't come with me during lunch and stayed behind with Corrina, I didn't question it. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't offended, in my own way I knew that it was ok and supposed to be.


This is weird. And I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Bitches.
Lulz.

Anyway...
I'm gonna go figure out how to make someone tell me what they're thinking as well as why they enjoy pissing me off to no end.