the one thing i cant handle

death.
more importantly. loved ones death. can't do it. can't think about it, shouldn't think about it, but when i get in that mood, and I start to think about it. I just wanna cry and cry till I'm empty. And that's when nothings happened to some of my loved ones.
I can't imagine or comprehend if it actually happened. I cry for the actors and actresses who die in a movie or a show...

almost as much as death i can't handle my friends being in the hospital for anything serious, being in danger, anything like that.

it breaks my heart just thinking about it.

so many people have betrayed my caring and trust.
i've been lied to about an overdose, about an injury resulting from a car accident...and its stretched me so thin, even the slightest thought towards my loved ones being hurt sends me into a panic, an anxiety attack.

not just loved ones, people who are apart of my daily ROUTINE, people i interact with now and again. i can't do it, i can't think about it, can't imagine it, can't comprehend it at all.

its my biggest fear.
i fear it, i fear the day i have to fear it,
and i fear for anyone who has to pick me up off the floor if something like this happens, because i will be an empty shell, not the person i was.


so i hope and pray and wish for the safety and well being of my loved ones, and i hope that no one ever takes that for granted again.