Loss

Sometimes I wonder if people see me as too happy-go-lucky. I wonder if they think I just have this unrealistic outlook on life and if they think I haven't been through anything. I don't think much about what I've been through. Not on purpose, just because I don't. But when I do, the pain is more than I can bare sometimes. I lost something I never got to know. The second I found out about it, when I knew it was there, my heart shattered. I don't think it's ever recovered from it, and maybe that's the source of my drama. People, the people I love, the people I already know are so valuable to me because I got to know them, there's no way I could lose them. But no love will compare to that of the one I didn't get to know and lost. The one that will never get to become more. The mistake I made tears me apart and so maybe my mind won't let me think about it. Because it's too much. It's one dam that I can not afford to open. To take away so much from them before they even knew what they could have, it's a difficult thought. It makes me feel as if I got a bad start on my future, that I'm a terrible person. I believe I'm a terrible person for making so terrible a mistake that it resulted in the loss of the one thing I can't wait to have. I could have had it, ruined the rest of my life for it, maybe in a 'toxic environment,' but I could have had it all the same. Others have made the other choice before me...and I didn't give it a second thought. Because of fear, of some twisted form of love...

I believe I am a horrible person.
Not because others say it makes me that, or believe it makes me that,
but because deep down I feel that way.