Why do we do it?

Why do we want what we can't have so much? Why is it so appealing that we can't have it, why do we think we need it so much? When it's an obvious slap in the face, why do we continue? What is it about that person or thing that we must have? Because the alternative or the lack of isn't good enough. Why isn't it good enough? I didn't ask to want you. I didn't ask to be this. I didn't ask to pathetically and obviously throw myself at you, only for you to ignore me. If you haven't seen it by now than you must be a complete idiot. Which should mean I shouldn't want you. I shouldn't want you to keep me hanging. I shouldn't cherish every time you decide to talk to me because she's not around. I shouldn't praise the few moments I get with you.
But I do.
And I hate it.
You're holding me back.
You've found someone, and you are still holding me back.
I want to tell you so you can reject me.

I don't mean that. But I wish for it.
I wish on stars, I wish on dandelions, I wish on 11:11, I hold my breath under tunnels, I pick the petals of flowers.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.

So why can't I get it through to my stupid heart. My head's about given up on hope. And my heart clings to it, hope is the old band-aid loosely holding together the pieces. And it's leaking.

You don't even read this.
I get compliments but I don't want them from anyone else, I want them from you.
I don't want to find the plenty of other fish in the sea, I want to catch you.

I almost hate you for it. I could never really hate you. You mean a lot to me besides all this.

But this needs to stop. Stop playing with me.
You did it then, and I know you have some small bit of intention behind doing it now.
You have to know, you can't not know. It's so obvious, but then maybe 12 hours does make a difference.


I don't know what to do. Fight or flight. You won't chose me. I'm old, I'm comfort, and you're so amazed by the new, the risk. By her.

I'm walking around with a sign on my forehead and everyone but you can see it, because you don't bother to look.

I'm at the back of your mind.
Remember when we used to talk?
We sat outside, for as long as we could before I was called back inside. And we just talked. I miss it. So much.

What do I do now?
Do I have the strength to tell you? To let myself believe that you share these feelings, and that you're just waiting for a better time? That I have the chance to take you from her?

Or do I keep quiet, live with it for longer. Do I watch you and her have fun and then fall apart because no one is ever good enough for you. I know she'll break it, and she'll inspire you and then you might get what you need.

And if I'm wrong than, congratulations, I was just bitter and jealous.


Maybe there's my problem. I'm good enough. I'm what you need, but not what you want.
But then who am I to say I'm what you need? Maybe this is just all in my head. Maybe my heart just wants what it can't have and I don't actually feel this way about you.
Usually I think I can make smarter decisions about what I need vs. what I want.

But god damn I just can't get over you can I?

I hope your happy, that you're proud. Of what you do to me.
And at the same time, it's not your fault.

I wish there was an off button. So when I see you I'll breath you in and try to keep that with me for a while, and maybe, after seeing you interact with her, just maybe I'll be able to let it go.

Here's to holding my breath under tunnels.
I'm running out of air.